Better
by swfc008
Summary: Changes in the relationship between Mac and Stella. From friendship to romance, through flashbacks. Spoilers for 5x24-Grounds for Deception and 6x01- Epilogue.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone or the flashback dialogues, and neither do I own the song in the fic. They belong to CBS, Anthony Zuiker and the writers and Polydor respectively.  
**Notes:** This is my first ever _CSI: NY_ fic and it's been a while since I wrote a fic so feel free to give constructive criticisms. Also, I would like to thank **Sabi **because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have written this fic. And I would also love to thank **spriteandcola2**for encouraging me to post this fic on here. Spoilers for 5x24-_Grounds for Deception_ and 6x01-_Epilogue. _Song is Better by _Boyzone._

**A/N: **For some reason, it won't work the way I want it to so only the lyrics and the dialogues are meant to be in italics. Everything else should be in normal.

* * *

As they sat together facing the darkness, all he could think about was how much things had changed. If anyone had told him he'd find _"it"_ again a few years ago, he would've scoffed and said, _"Impossible."_ His heart belonged to one person and only one person and it would never change. Never once did he imagine that this would happen again. Eight years of looking for something to fill the void inside his shattered heart had left him distant and cold. He'd put up barriers to protect what little bit of his heart that was left after _she_'d gone. The few stray pieces that were left behind from being shattered into a million pieces. He'd vowed that never again would he let it happen. Never again would anyone be able to fill the void that _she_ had left behind. Not even her.

But, as the years slowly rolled by, he had found himself letting her in, slowly, inch by inch. Yet he had never allowed her full access. No one had full access to the remaining pieces of his shattered heart. As far as he was concerned, when the time was right, the only person who could piece it all back together would. And he had had plenty of those opportunities for her to do so in the past 8 years. But, somehow, He had other plans. Plans that not even he had any control over. And he didn't have to like it. Yet, he found himself growing accustom to it. And ever so slowly, accepting of it.

And now, here they were, sitting on his couch, her wrapped up in his arms and he was content. At peace. Her presence was like a calming balm, soothing his once aching soul. It had found contentment and peace in her arms. In her hugs; in her touch; in her voice and most of all, in her kisses. He closes his eyes and reminisces about their lives just as the CD player begins to play:

_Our love has changed  
It's not the same  
And the only way to say it  
is say it..it's better_

How true those words ring out. He knew he loved her. He had always loved her. There was never a time that he didn't. It had grown out of mutual respect and then one of friendship from the years of working together side by side. And through that friendship, it had somehow grown into something more. Something that he had been aware of but was never willing to admit it for the sake of not wanting to ruin what they had. As well as protecting his own fragile heart and that of hers.

_I can't conceal  
This way I feel  
For all the times we spend together  
Forever just gets better_

Yet, he knew that somehow, he couldn't sit by and watch her slip out of his hands. He had realized that when he saw her lying on the floor of her apartment, unconscious. It had taken all of his power not to shoot _him_ even if _he_ was dead. If he had his way, he would've given anything to bring _him_ back to life, only to have the pleasure of killing _him_, himself. For the hurt that _he_ had put her through. He would've run the katana that he had used a couple of months back through _him_ over and over. Just for the sake of seeing _him_ cry out in pain for the pain and the tears that _he_ had caused her. Yet, there he was, helpless. Not being able to do anything for the woman that he had come to love.

"_You're not a CSI on this one, Stella. You're a victim."_

Instead, he had left it to another to help her through her most difficult time, reliving her own nightmare. He knew he should've been there but he kept his distance.

"_Thanks for staying with me, Don."_

"_Well, it's my job. Not to mention you're my friend."_

"_Well you're a very good friend."_

_See what I'm trying to say is  
You make things better  
And no matter what the day is  
With you here it's better_

She had been there for him when his world and his heart shattered into pieces like glass. And he was helpless. Helpless to do anything to help her out now. She had made things better for him. When no one else was able to. When the one person who could make it better couldn't; she had. She had shown him that life was still worth living when he had expressed his own desire to end his own life.

"_When the Towers fell and Claire died, it was the clearest definition of what is unjust and unfair in this world, and I was powerless to do anything about it."_

She had made everyday better no matter what. No matter the season, no matter the day, her presence always made him feel better. And it made the day better. And he had vowed that no matter what, he would always be there for her.

"_I thought I could handle it on my own.... I'm scared, Mac. I know there are a lot of people living with AIDS, and I just, I don't think I have the strength to do that. I don't think I'm brave enough to wait for a cure."_

"_What is it that you always say to me?"_

"_You always have the strength, you always have the guts."_

"_Inside."_

"_I'm here for you, Stella."_

"_I know."_

Just as she had been for him.

"_I'm glad you stayed."_

"_That's what we do; we take care of each other."_

She had hurt him. But what was worse was that this was something he never saw coming. Something he never thought would've come from her. It was something he had expected from Danny but not her. Throughout everything, throughout every pain he had experienced, she had always been the one to help him through it. And now, she had hurt him. He knew that he had hurt her with his brief relationship with Peyton, even if she had hid it well. But nothing could've prepared him for this. They had argued and she had dumped her pride and her joy, in fact, her very life, on his desk. And then she'd gone. Disappeared from sight. Deep down, he knew where she had gone to. Even if he needed to hear it from someone else; anything to confirm his suspicions. It was the scientist in him that always had to have solid proof about everything, regardless if it was evidence or not. Sure, he'd follow his gut most of the time but the scientist in him always got the better of him. Even if he could read her like a book.

_I stand by you  
If you stand by me_

And he had gone. He had followed her. Simply because she had stood by him through thick and thin. And he wasn't going to let her fall. He had vowed to protect her and he was going to be there for her, as her best friend. Even if he wished that it was more. _When_, he wondered _did it all start_? _When had things changed?_ It definitely had not started in Greece. Greece had only made him realize the true feelings that he thought he had hid; the feelings that had been lying dormant in his heart.

"_Mac, I know I was wrong to keep investigating the case after you told me to step down. I'm sorry I made it difficult for you and the department."_

"_This isn't about the job or the department. It was difficult because I care about you."_

Feelings that had on the rare occasion, escaped, like a dormant volcano. Its lava flowing, waiting for the right moment to burst through the barriers and cause an eruption. That was how he felt. And that was how it would remain, dormant. For the sake of their friendship.

_I think it's time that I reveal it  
Cause I believe it  
It's better_

Watching her find out the truth about her family, the answers that she had been seeking for nearly all her life, had been heartbreaking. And when she had clung on to him for dear life when the Professor died had broken him, if it was even physically possible for a human being to break.

"_You know I don't need to read coffee grounds to know how lucky I am to have you in my life, Mac."_

As they locked eyes, it felt that the time was right. He had to tell her. It was time to tell her. But, he couldn't bring himself to shake things up. So, instead, he forced himself to change the subject. As he sat staring at her whilst she read his coffee grounds, he couldn't help but agree with her words:

"_.... Stella, the woman in your life. Who sometimes you adore, sometimes she drives you crazy."_

Those words ring true to him. Despite the fact that she drove him crazy whenever they disagreed, over things such as Adam's job; or when he had refused to put down Blue, the horse, to obtain the bullet that would nail Officer Minhaus' killer; and Sebastian Diakos. But there were times that he adored her: her belief in that neither one of them had screwed up in the Alyssa Danville case and her subsequent support in helping him prove that Quinn Sullivan was not a murderer just because she knew how much it meant to him; how she had known just where he'd be after finding out about his "Dear John", or in his case, "Dear Mac," letter; how she had urged him to make an effort with Reed. In short, regardless of how much her stubbornness got her into trouble, it was that stubbornness and determination and her love for her friends, which he had fallen in love with.

"_How'd it go with Reed?"_

"_How do you think it went?"_

"_Urgh, I think you pushed. He got mad and refused to give up his source. And then one of you stormed off."_

"_Well if you told me that before, you could've saved me the trip."_

"_Come on Mac, he's 23 years old. It's his first real job. He just wants to succeed and can't see beyond that. Is he really any different than you and I were at that age?"_

"_People are dying; I don't have time for the understanding approach."_

"_Okay. Well, Reed found out about those carvings. We need to find his source. Don't let your pride get in the way."_

_See what I'm trying to say is  
You make things better  
And no matter what the day is  
If you're here it's better_

After Jessica Angell's death and the subsequent shootout in the bar, he had watched in horror as his team, no, his family dealt with the repercussions. He had shut himself up and with a steely determination, bordering on obsession, was dead set on finding the persons responsible for the temporary setback in Danny and Lindsay's lives; but simply because he had very nearly lost the one person in the world who meant more to him than life itself. But, he would soon find out that he had, as a matter of fact lost her already. In fact, he had driven her to the arms of another man. Not just any man; a man who was not only his but her subordinate. All because he was too afraid to tell her what she meant to him. And now, he watched as she struggled with her conscience and her guilt.

"_I love Adam, Mac."_

Those words that she had uttered during their heated argument came back to haunt him. Had he realised the change of events, he would've gladly chosen those machines over the young lab tech. Jealousy. Jealousy over someone who wasn't to be blamed. The fault was his and his alone. He had practically handed her to Adam with his blessing.

"_Either way, you don't have a choice here."_

He watched as she no longer looked him in the eye for fear that he would find out. But she didn't have to tell him, he already knew. One look at her and he knew. He had lost her. Just as he had lost the only other woman in his life. A woman who had held his heart; his very essence; his very being; his soul, in her hands. And _she_ had taken it with him when she died. And now, the very last fragments that had been left behind had all but vanished because he had allowed himself to give in to her. And now, his very being was slowly being eaten away at the helplessness that he felt. It was as though he was the puppet and she was the puppeteer, pulling the strings on his heart to wherever and whatever she pleased.

_Oh the more I talk to you  
I fall in love with  
Everything that you do_

"_You use to file unsolved cases in a single folder on the corner of your desk._

"_Yeah. Well, none of those cases put someone I know in a wheelchair. Or threaten the lives of people I cared about. None of those cases was personal."_

"_Mac, what happened last night? You and Danny, no back up; no heads up; not to mention it was dangerous."_

"_I've been studying these walls for the past 3 weeks trying to answer one question. Who had a reason to want one of us or all of us dead? Despite all this evidence, crime reports, possible suspects, witness accounts, I'm no closer to the identity of the shooter than the night it happened. Three people were seriously wounded; the bartender died, Danny's in that chair.... So, when he called-"_

"_You had to do something..."_

"_Damn right."_

They had argued. She had called him out on his actions. He had not been thinking, so deep was his determination in solving the shootout. What had he told her?

"_What does Shakespeare say, 'Tempt not a desperate man.'"_

And a desperate man he was indeed. It felt as though if he had solved this case, then he would at least be at peace.

"_Going into that building seemed like my only option."_

But, a small part of him felt that if he solved the case, he would gain an upper hand against _him_. That she would look at him as who he had always been: Mac Taylor, the hero. And that he would rescue her away from the clutches of the bad men, in this case, one man, and declare his undying love for her. And that, like some cheesy romantic novel, she would fall for him and reciprocate those feelings of undying love. But until then, he would have to wait. And hope that he had what it takes to win her back. And then slowly piece back the broken shards of his heart.

"_You keep using words like _my; me; I_. You are not in this alone, Mac._

_See what I'm trying to say is  
You make things better  
And no matter what the day is  
With you here it's better_

And now, here they were. Side by side, hands intertwined, lying on the couch. He had no idea how but he had won her over. He had swallowed his pride and put aside his fears and confronted her about her dalliances with her subordinate. Even though it killed him to see her upset, to see the guilt in her beautiful green eyes, he had forced himself to confront her about it. And she had readily, almost as though she had been waiting for him to say it, confessed. And that confession had broken his heart no matter how prepared he thought he was, because he knew that it had been his fault. That he had driven her to another man's arm because he had ignored her. And as he watched the tears stain her face, it was as if his own legs were working against him and he found himself next to her, wiping away her tear stained face with his thumb and caressing her face. As she stared into his eyes and told him how sorry and ashamed she was, he acted in the only way that he knew how.

_Our love has changed  
It's not the same_

Kissing her was like a dream come true. Only this time, it was much better compared to the countless of sleepless nights that he had gone through, imagining her with him. How his every move would elicit some sort of response in her. How she would moan and call out his name from those sweet lips. But, as much as he was enjoying reliving all those fantasies, he realized that there was a chance she would not react in the way that his dream!Stella would. As soon as it hit him, he tried to pull away, only to find her responding and pulling the lapel of his dress shirt towards her in a tight grip. And before he knew it, she was kissing him like it was their last day here on Earth. And he found himself responding equally just as passionately.

_And the only way to say it  
is say it..it's better._

As he opened his eyes to look at her, he smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead. Yes, life was looking up and their love was indeed better.

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**A/N: Thanks so much for reading this. Please let me know what you think. I welcome feedback of any kind. :) **


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